Here’s how it went tonight:

B (age 5) struggles into shower. Emphasis on struggles. Loud struggles.

S (age 3-and-a-half) into jammies.

Em (six months) into jammies.

Me into jammies.

Estimated elapsed time: 20 minutes. Not bad!

B washed and removed from shower.

B in jammies.

Books selected by children.

Bedtime water retrieved by me.

Stuffed friends found by me.

Estimated elapsed time: 20 more minutes. Are we really on track here?

Reading of four stories by me (two per child).

B to bathroom.

S to turn on lullabys.

Story told by me with Em trying to nurse lying beside me on S’s bed.

Estimated elapsed time: 25 minutes

Then: I left the room with the other two awake. This is not the usual protocol of me staying in S’s bed until both are asleep. But Em was struggling, and B and I had been fighting for more than an hour. And I was tired and feeling the common-of-late sentiment of, “Why does the baby always have to be at the mercy of the big kids’ schedules?!” So I left with Em and told B and S I’d be “back in a few minutes.”

Neither freaked out. (Reasoning here is slightly embarrassing: S probably didn’t freak out because she was afraid I’d start yelling if she did, because I’d been yelling at B on and off since the beginning of the whole bedtime fiasco. B probably didn’t freak out because he was thoroughly afraid that I might just make him sleep alone in a tent outside.) I am not proud of fear tactics, direct and otherwise. I also am surprised they actually seemed to work tonight.

So I left with Em and brought her into our room. Nursed her a bit. Then burped her. Then put her in her crib (aka pack ‘n’ play). She was quiet. I was shocked. I rubbed her back. I left the room. She was quiet. I went into the big kids’ room, thinking I better follow through on my “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” They were both asleep.

Estimated elapsed time: 15 minutes.

I came downstairs. Em's crying began. I sat at my computer. I caught up on some blogs. I checked my e-mail. I checked Facebook. I listened to the crying. My heartbeat didn’t become unruly. My blood pressure felt steady. I even giggled when her crying became little yelps. I looked at the clock every now and then. The crying stopped.

Elapsed time: 27 minutes.

This is the longest I have let Em cry and the first time I have let her cry at night. It was difficult. But I don’t have another five years of dreading bedtimes in me. I can’t do the fight and struggle every night. Tonight was unusual because I was here alone. But with the nice weather, J will be working longer days and missing more bedtimes, and it’s time for the routine to adjust to another child. We will keep the ritual the same. Bath time (occasionally), reading, story telling. But it’s time the big kids, as we have come to call them, begin to rely on each other a bit at bedtime. We’ve told them they can talk quietly to each other. That they can “stay up late” if mom and dad aren’t with them. (Neither can tell time yet.) But even when they prick up their ears at this suggestion at dinner, no enticement seems to work when the real bedtime comes. They have been conditioned to be reliant on us (by us), and it’s our task as parents to set them free. And in the process set ourselves free.

(Note: Total elapsed time: 107 minutes)

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Originally published (in slightly different format) June 2009