Magazines. I love them. I used to subscribe to many, but when the necessary budgeting axe hit our home, the periodicals were the first to go. I watched as they dwindled. And now they are gone. And I don't miss them so much. Who has the time? But a few days ago I had a few moments to browse the magazines in the pediatrician’s office and then at the library. I came home with Vegetarian Times, The New Yorker, Natural Living, Mothering, and Parents. I also have a People that my dear friend Liz, who appreciates my need for the occasional celebrity update, brought me last week. I devoured the whole pile last night. The kids and J all were asleep at the same time. Nothing on TV. It was me on the couch with my mags. Amazing! If advanced degrees were awarded for speed reading periodicals, I would have many certificates on my wall. I enjoyed the beautiful photo of asparagus drizzled with golden oil on the cover of VT. I smiled and scoffed at New Yorker cartoons. I read about what to expect from your 9 month old (grabbing for pictures in books) in Parents, feeling as if I had read this same article at least once before. I read all of the letters from readers in Mothering, because this is my favorite section of the magazine. The letters always touch on baby wearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding. All parenting practices I live, and somehow the writing of readers is easier for me to embrace than the articles themselves. The last thing I read before going to sleep was an advice column in Natural Living. A mother wrote in (supposedly; I never know whether or not to believe if questions in magazines are real) asking what to do about her 9 month old, who was waking up hourly at night to nurse. The “expert” responded in a lengthy, thoughtful way, suggesting ways in which mom could get more sleep. Removing a clock from the bedroom, so she wasn’t focusing so much on the time. Going to bed at the same time as her baby. Napping with her baby during the day so her baby felt safe and close to her (and, presumably, would wake less often). There were more tips. More reasoning explained. And none were unreasonable suggestions. For a mother with ONE baby. I happen to have a 9 month old. Some nights I feel as if she always is groping for my breast. Some nights I wake up wondering if she’s OK because I can’t remember the last time she woke up. Most nights I wonder what time it is and how much I have slept or how much she has slept and if I will ever ever ever get enough sleep again. (There are no clocks in my bedroom. Ever since B threw our alarm clock in the toilet before his 1st birthday, we have been clock-free.) But every night she is one of three kids in the house. (And every day, of course. Can I tell you just how much I would ADORE napping with her. Twice a day! But, alas, she has siblings. SIBLINGS.) At night, if B wakes up to use the bathroom and needs to be tucked back in to bed at the same time that I am nursing E I have to prioritize. (Get B back in bed without waking E too much but offering enough comfort to B so that he doesn’t start wailing.) If S wakes up throwing up in her bed, I have to go to her first. Which means that E may start wailing if she wakes looking for a slurp. Yes, J is here at night, too. And he does just as much nighttime parenting as I do (well, except for the nursing part), but there still are always decisions to be made. And often, the baby’s needs aren’t the first to be met, as all of the advice out there will suggest is best.
To parent is to evaluate. All day long. Evaluate situations. Needs. Your needs. The kids’ needs. Each individual child’s needs. And if there is more than one child? How everyone’s needs may affect everyone else’s. And I have yet to find a book–or a magazine article–that addresses this. We parents of more than one just live it. We live it and we figure it out as we go along. We probably wouldn’t have time to read the book if it were out there, anyway. Or even a magazine article most days. But I keep looking, when I have the chance. Looking to see if I find myself reflected in the references.
It’s rare. And it’s never enough. Kind of like my time to read.
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Originally published June 2009