As I sat in the waiting room of my daughter’s ballet school a few months ago I perused a magazine uninterrupted. And I came across a quote that I read over and over again. I am so grateful for moments such as these. In this case, an article about the actress Diane Lane offered me unexpected clarity. Here’s the gem that sparkled before me and that I wrote down, nodding all the way:
“Being in a relationship makes it impossible to avoid yourself. … It may not always make me comfortable but it sure has made me a better person. And I’ll take that any day. Intimacy is a willingness to bite my tongue and a willingness to set an example of what I believe in. And it’s hard. Look at all of the sages throughout history. They lived alone.” —Diane Lane in Ladies' Home Journal.
I consider my relationship with Sweetie to be happy. Strong. Committed. To admit that it’s also difficult leaves me feeling a bit vulnerable. The reality is that giving myself over to him was easy. Falling in love is all consuming. The light is golden. The vulnerability feels more like magic.
Of course, it’s not long before reality sets in and casts a different light. The difficulty comes with the details of a life together. Sharing a closet. Not sharing an opinion.
And in thinking about Lane’s quote and why it touched me, I realized that so many of the details of my life with Sweetie now are centered around our children. And all of the living together that goes along with them. There are days that I don’t put my best foot forward as a mother. There are days that I’m certain I am difficult to live with. But the relationship Sweetie and I have built is one that not only continues to withstand the demands of a life together, it is a relationship that has grown stronger the more complicated it has become. Our relationship is fuller now that we share more than just each other.
In parenthood, we have learned to lean on each other a little more. Sure there are “little things” that irk me (and I’m sure him, too), but we are allies against three children. Honestly, there’s not time or energy to bicker over those little things (trash to take out, lotions and creams all over the house). We have to stand together for the children (or they may just eat us alive).
We are two very independent people. And while I won’t speak for Sweetie, I know that even since beginning Momalom—as I’ve been living more in words—I’ve been figuring out how to maintain my independence and give it up a little bit, too. As a partner and a mother. I am learning how to have more humility. I am determined to not take for granted the love and acceptance on which so much of our relationship is founded. I must be, as I strive to teach my children, honest. And also sensitive. And grateful. For everyone in the household. And to us all.
It wasn’t always about the kids. And I try to remember that at least once every day. This life began with just the two of us. And I try to keep that tunnel vision on the man before me. Because he is who I chose first. And who I would choose again.
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Originally posted in March 2011