At Home: Day 36
Except, of course, they aren’t just reminders. More like just our current reality, screaming in my face every time I try to do something normal, like plan a trip to the grocery store.
Banana bread.
Yum. If only I could infuse this post with the delectable scent of them.
Today i slept late-ish. Made two loaves of banana bread. Read for a while. Then set up my sewing machine in a corner of the house and embarked on a project. Yes, like so many of us, I made some face masks. Last night I browsed a bunch of patterns. Settled on one that seemed easy enough. Found material, thread, and the instruction manual to my sewing machine, which I last used several years ago. I spent hours making masks. I literally lost track of time. I finished listening to The Glass Hotel by Emily St. John Mandel. I was SO looking forward to this book, for SO long. It was released just as we were all confined to our homes, and my brain subsequently and immediately lost its ability for complex stories. This book is quite possibly brilliant, like the rest of her work. But boy did I have a tough time with it. I’m chalking it up to bad timing. I also know, though, that I will likely not reread it at a later date. Any rediscovery of brilliance that might be possible will definitely be outweighed by the memories of listening to it during this time and the countless times I had to rewind because my mind had wandered. I listen to books all the time. Daily. I never, ever lose track of the story line. My mind does not wander. My mind craves narrative and stories. I focus on whatever task I’m doing better because I am listening to story. Except, as it turns out, during a pandemic.
Still, I listened in fits and starts while I was sewing today. I made a half dozen decent-ish masks. Some much better than others. I am not a stellar seamstress, and upon any kind of close-up inspection these would not be impressive. But, as my son said, “Mom, anybody who can see the stitches is WAY TOO CLOSE.” Kid has a point.
I’m going to make enough to send a bunch to Sarah and her family. I need to figure out kid sizing next, pump out a few more. then be done with it. It was kind of fun to be involved in a project. But every time I put one on to check fit I wanted to yell all kinds of obscenities.
How is this our world right now I can’t even!
(Except with punctuation and bad words thrown in liberally.)
Face masks made from clothes that used to fit my kids.
I’m hoping the next project will be unrelated to pandemic survival.
Before I knew it, it was 5:50. Oops. I made macaroni and cheese and threw it in the oven. Roasted some cauliflower, too. We are getting to the end of the groceries, and I am gearing up to go out into the world again. I find myself fighting a kind of all-consuming devastation. Tonight I made a meal plan and a very extensive grocery list. We are in need of basic items that I normally would rely on a trip to Costco for. I was toying with the idea of going, of stepping out a little bit farther from our community so that I could stock up a bit, not spend so much money. And then I checked the Costco app on my phone, and so many things are sold out. I’m trying to look on the positive side that at least I didn’t drive there, stand in line and then get in the store and find what I need isn’t available. But the fact of living in a world that until five weeks ago was defined by abundance and now is walled in with restrictions makes me feel helpless. Yes, I can get by with my local grocery store, and we will be fine. We continue to be lucky to have my income right now, to be able to add things like candy and ice cream and gruyere cheese to our grocery list. But, also, I usually do my shopping at several stores. Until our current state, I’d pop out to Trader Joe’s, Big Y, Costco, maybe Target and CVS, too, on a busy weekend. Now, in the past five weeks, I have been only to Big Y. Thank goodness. Also, I’m frustrated.
It snowed last night and was snowy, rainy and drippy all day. No one got outside. There is a distinct energy of cabin fever in the house. Tomorrow is supposed to be a more springlike day. I may walk for a good, long time. There’s one more event left in our family Backyard Olympics (bocce), and even though I have clinched last place, I will be enjoying my round and all of the teasing coming at me from the rest of the family. When it starts to get too ruthless, I will remind them all of my cooking and baking abilities and hope that garners me some respect (or at least relief).
Massachusetts has been declared a current “hot spot,” as measured by infections per 100,000 (499 in Massachusetts, as compared to only two other states with higher rates: 1180 for New York State and 883 for New Jersey). Currently there are more than 36,000 cases in the state and more than 1,500 deaths.
The governor did not extend the school closing at his press conference yesterday. I don’t give this much thought. I assume the kids will be out till the end of the school year. I’m quite certain I wouldn’t feel comfortable having them go back even if that were the decision.
I skimmed an article today about the specific effect the virus is having and will continue to have on teens. I had to skim it. I don’t have the stomach to think too much about this, having two teenagers and loving teenagers in general so damn much. I know this is not a popular opinion, and Sarah and I talk about this a lot. But teens definitely get a bad rap. Yep, they can really raise hairs and cause terror in their parents. Also, to be a parent to teenagers is to have the privilege of witnessing them strive to understand their worlds and themselves and to build all of the foundations for that work of becoming their grown-up selves. Teens are so passionate and so adamant. Their feelings are so strong and resolute, and I find that inspiring. I want my kids to be strong and confident and vulnerable and curious. Teens are naturally all of these things. It is where they are in their emotional development.
Also, they are very loud and often very rude and their brains are not fully developed but they would tell you otherwise and living with them every second of every day is super challenging.
But, I couldn’t read that article too thoroughly, because I know there were strong threads of truth in there, about how this pandemic — the experience of living without their peers for so long, without the dependable structures they usually have built into their lives — is affecting them and will continue to do so. How so many of them have been working so hard to attain something: college admission, a starring role in the school play, the chance to ask their crush out on a date, enough money saved from a part-time job to be able to purchase a prom dress or a first car or to help with family or college expenses. These kids who are on the brink of who they will become are now in limbo. And it breaks my heart.
Stay safe, everyone.