Wednesday, March 25 & Thursday, March 26

Yesterday we learned that Massachusetts schools are closed until (at least) May 4.

Last night I fielded many questions from my oldest about when this would end, what about school, how would we all get through, how to not be bored, etc. I didn’t have the answers, of course.

My kids are handling things remarkably well. I have spent a lot of time just looking at them. I have the time. We are all sitting still in the same room so much longer than usual. I can look at them. It’s been a while since I did this, I realize. When they were little it’s all I did for much of the day. As they slept or played nearby, learning about the world, I would watch them. To keep them safe, but also to learn who they were becoming. Now, pre-pandemic, we all move fast, busily spinning in and out of our own activities, appointments, obligations. Sometimes, on our busiest days, I might see my kids for only an hour or so at the end of the day. For the past 13 days though I see them, all the time. I pause. I dwell. They are each so beautiful.

Last night I got in bed and wanted to read. I planned to read. A book. And then I started reading the NYTimes on my phone. And an article from The Atlantic. First-person accounts of what it’s like to be a patient, a caregiver, a doctor. I spent, possibly, hours reading the news. It felt indulgent in all the ways that indulgence is exactly the wrong thing.

I slept restlessly and woke up very early, worrying about work. Then I got mad at myself for worrying about work. Because if I am spending any energy on worrying right now there are plenty of other things that my energy would be better spent on.

Yesterday, the current numbers were:

• Worldwide: 471,000+

• China: 81,000+

• Italy: 74,000+

• United States: 68,000

• Massachusetts: 1,800+

Today, the current numbers are:

• Worldwide: 530,000+

• U.S: 85,000+

• China: 81,000+

• Italy: 80,000+

• Massachusetts: 2,400+

The mayor of our small city revealed today that he tested positive and is isolating at home.

As I scan the obituaries in the New York Times, there are multiple that cite cause of death as Covid-19 or presumed Covid-19.

The sun was shining today. I took a break in the middle of the day, did mountains of dishes accumulated from the rare Wednesday-night homemade pizza and this morning’s double batch of muffins made by the girls. Then I fixed myself some lunch and sat out in the sun on the deck. I brought a book with me, and it sat on the table unopened as I ate apples and cheese and hummus and crackers, mostly with my eyes closed, leaning against the back of the chair.

I took another long walk today after work. Yesterday I had to shorten my route by a lap so that I could get back home for a board call. Today i talked to my mom for a while during the first half of my route. There weren’t as many people out as I expected there would be on such a nice afternoon. The thought occurred to me that more people may be getting sick, and staying home.

I feel quiet, if a person can feel quiet. I don’t feel still, but I feel quiet. I feel interrupted. Uncomfortable. Agitated. I feel lucky and, sometimes, teary. I feel overwhelmed. I feel glad that I’ve been able to scrape together a few minutes at the end of the day to record this here.

Tonight, no news. I’m turning off my phone and putting down the computer. And I’m picking up that book.

Stay safe, everyone.